Risky Complements
Yesterday night, I was at a party. Not being able to drink alcohol, it took me a little longer to loosen myself up - but a Batman costume always helps. (I wrote a post that needs updating sometime later; I concluded that wearing a costume A) makes you memorable and B) boosts your confidence and C) makes other people like you depending on the social context).
Long time friends - or anyone who knows me knows that I'm adventurous in not only my love of going on adventures, but also in my actions. One time, I went to Beth Hosek's dorm to deliver a present for her. I gave it to her room mate and asked her to leave it on Beth's bed, and to this day, Beth brings it up as one of her happiest moments from that year.
Despite that taste for adventure and anything out of the ordinary, I've learned to stay away from certain adventures. Namely, the riskier ones. If anyone goes Skydiving, I'm coming along because I know that 1) It will be a lot of fun; 2) It's unlikely I'll die. But there's one more... 3) it's low risk. And it's #3 that I want to change about myself.
I don't take risks. Skydiving isn't a risk, but you know what is? Dating, talking about deep stuff with your parents or anyone that you become closer with. For me, there's always been a happy medium. I just helped someone 20 minutes ago with Physics 206 with Ivan Sudakov... (ha). I talked with some friends who had a theory that everyone in Stuart's Landing has top look good to get the job because they say everyone who'se in Stu's looks hot. I laughed, but confirmed that I haven't seen someone ugly look in Stu's; though I'm quick to praise and slow to judge. Ben Franklin I think said something along the lines of "be lavish in your praise and slow to criticize" or something like that. It's served me well - and affects me on some psychological level because it lets me asses people better by giving everyone the benefit of the doubt. Last night, I heard a one-sided argument against someone, but gave that person, again, the benefit of the doubt. It's easy to lose friends, but necessary when you know both sides of the story.
Recently, there's been situations where I don't know both sides of the story. A few days ago, someone called me a bitch in a somewhat possessive context and I didn't like it.
But did I say anything? Well, I mentioned it to a friend who said that the behavior is normal and means it's a sign I was a close friends.
It's not getting any better, however. I still feel uncomfortable. As far as adventures go, this is not turning out to be a good one.
Somehow, I can't find it in myself to tell them to stop. The best I could do was reply "No, I would rather not - at least not yet." In truth, I'm discomforted, but in the end, this isn't going to end by my hesitation and procrastination, and frankly, I'm only making the problem worse for both sides. Eventually, the day will come when I have to say "I'm not interested in you."
This problem can easily be solved right now through a series of actions. 1) Don't show up tonight. 2) Explain that I'm uncomfortable with the choice of language. 3) Say "hell no you're not touching me."
But I haven't. Emotional blackmailing. It exists. I'm feeling it.
PS: It should be noted this isn't the complete story. This is only the worst of it.
(Further reading: Emotional Blackmail by Susan Forward and Donna Fraizer.)
So here's the other side of the story. Last night, at that same party, in a quieter room after I was loosened up with a few friends (all were girls), they revealed that they made a comparison to my butt with someone else's I'll leave unnamed. And that time, I was flattered. The difference lies in the context. It was another friend revealing it - not the person who originally talked about my butt. This is getting confusing really fast since I'm not naming names.
What I'm trying to figure out is where the line is. I'm probably never going to tell a girl her butt is cute or her boobs or whatever. I don't think that's appropriate - but I appreciated it then and in past occurrences when my their positive opinion of my physical features was revealed to me. Should I be more sympathetic to being called a 'fancy cute baby?" I'm not - but perhaps I should be more compassionate... being "lavish in your praise."
There's a fine line when it comes to these things. I don't particularly want to walk on it, but maybe I should be giving more complements. Not about some guy's butt, but that I like the way they jump when they get excited (or at least I love that about myself). If I told a girl I like her sweater, will I make her uncomfortable? Probably not.
This gets fuzzy for me when I like a girl. I can think logically and rationally, but it inhibits me from expressing how I really feel about someone. I hit that happy-medium line of helping her do Physics homework, but not expressing how refreshing it is to help someone who is career-oriented and not just some sorority girl who tells guys on tinder that their butt is cute until they date someone for a month before moving on when she makes someone feel uncomfortable.
I'm going to sit on this and try to define the lines of "I want to be friends," "I want to be best friends," and "I want to marry you." What language is appropriate and in what contexts? This stuff should be obvious, but my opinions are currently clouded with this odd stuff (both positive and negative).
As a result of all the mumbo-jumbo, I noticed I haven't been giving any complements. I can't think of the last time I gave someone a "real, genuine complement" (Hi Tessa). I'll sort this out later - this is more complicated than I think it should be.
Long time friends - or anyone who knows me knows that I'm adventurous in not only my love of going on adventures, but also in my actions. One time, I went to Beth Hosek's dorm to deliver a present for her. I gave it to her room mate and asked her to leave it on Beth's bed, and to this day, Beth brings it up as one of her happiest moments from that year.
Despite that taste for adventure and anything out of the ordinary, I've learned to stay away from certain adventures. Namely, the riskier ones. If anyone goes Skydiving, I'm coming along because I know that 1) It will be a lot of fun; 2) It's unlikely I'll die. But there's one more... 3) it's low risk. And it's #3 that I want to change about myself.
I don't take risks. Skydiving isn't a risk, but you know what is? Dating, talking about deep stuff with your parents or anyone that you become closer with. For me, there's always been a happy medium. I just helped someone 20 minutes ago with Physics 206 with Ivan Sudakov... (ha). I talked with some friends who had a theory that everyone in Stuart's Landing has top look good to get the job because they say everyone who'se in Stu's looks hot. I laughed, but confirmed that I haven't seen someone ugly look in Stu's; though I'm quick to praise and slow to judge. Ben Franklin I think said something along the lines of "be lavish in your praise and slow to criticize" or something like that. It's served me well - and affects me on some psychological level because it lets me asses people better by giving everyone the benefit of the doubt. Last night, I heard a one-sided argument against someone, but gave that person, again, the benefit of the doubt. It's easy to lose friends, but necessary when you know both sides of the story.
Recently, there's been situations where I don't know both sides of the story. A few days ago, someone called me a bitch in a somewhat possessive context and I didn't like it.
It's not getting any better, however. I still feel uncomfortable. As far as adventures go, this is not turning out to be a good one.
This problem can easily be solved right now through a series of actions. 1) Don't show up tonight. 2) Explain that I'm uncomfortable with the choice of language. 3) Say "hell no you're not touching me."
But I haven't. Emotional blackmailing. It exists. I'm feeling it.
PS: It should be noted this isn't the complete story. This is only the worst of it.
(Further reading: Emotional Blackmail by Susan Forward and Donna Fraizer.)
So here's the other side of the story. Last night, at that same party, in a quieter room after I was loosened up with a few friends (all were girls), they revealed that they made a comparison to my butt with someone else's I'll leave unnamed. And that time, I was flattered. The difference lies in the context. It was another friend revealing it - not the person who originally talked about my butt. This is getting confusing really fast since I'm not naming names.
What I'm trying to figure out is where the line is. I'm probably never going to tell a girl her butt is cute or her boobs or whatever. I don't think that's appropriate - but I appreciated it then and in past occurrences when my their positive opinion of my physical features was revealed to me. Should I be more sympathetic to being called a 'fancy cute baby?" I'm not - but perhaps I should be more compassionate... being "lavish in your praise."
There's a fine line when it comes to these things. I don't particularly want to walk on it, but maybe I should be giving more complements. Not about some guy's butt, but that I like the way they jump when they get excited (or at least I love that about myself). If I told a girl I like her sweater, will I make her uncomfortable? Probably not.
This gets fuzzy for me when I like a girl. I can think logically and rationally, but it inhibits me from expressing how I really feel about someone. I hit that happy-medium line of helping her do Physics homework, but not expressing how refreshing it is to help someone who is career-oriented and not just some sorority girl who tells guys on tinder that their butt is cute until they date someone for a month before moving on when she makes someone feel uncomfortable.
I'm going to sit on this and try to define the lines of "I want to be friends," "I want to be best friends," and "I want to marry you." What language is appropriate and in what contexts? This stuff should be obvious, but my opinions are currently clouded with this odd stuff (both positive and negative).
As a result of all the mumbo-jumbo, I noticed I haven't been giving any complements. I can't think of the last time I gave someone a "real, genuine complement" (Hi Tessa). I'll sort this out later - this is more complicated than I think it should be.
