John, Henry, and My Own Spite

Photo Credit: u/TBTacronym

I have problems with my roommates sometimes, but John Schaller gives me some of the best perspective upon my own life and he pointed out a really large flaw in my own logic system. I can't be mad at people who are unaware of problems I have with them.

Specifically, I always circle back to the kitchen. It's rarely clean. John will argue that the kitchen has been kept cleaner and I am aware of his improvements to the sink. I did not like that when I asked him for help, he cleaned for 5 minutes before checking his phone and grabbing the PS4 controller leaving me to wipe the kitchen counter alone, but I didn't tell him that. So can I really get mad at John about that?

The problem is that I won't talk to John about that, but I'll complain behind his back to some other friends. I'll explain that Henry and John don't keep the kitchen clean. I'll lament over a lost hamlet monologue about how my mom raised me to always clean 100% of the kitchen and John/Henry never keep it clean. There's stuff left over from last night's parties.

So my solution for the last I don't know how long was to punish them by leaving the place a mess. And then it became a tit-for-tat. I think to myself "welp I don't need to take out the trash. None of them do the work anyways." Specifically, Henry doesn't do anything around this place and I've got a problem with that. He doesn't take out the trash. Usually it is me or John. He just leaves pizza boxes around and then I break them down.

And I'm mad about it. I'm mad that he's either clueless or not willing to do his part. In economics, we call this the free-rider problem. We all say that we'll help, but then John and I are the only ones that are doing it. Henry's defense to "please keep the kitchen clean" is to just tell him to clean up the kitchen.

And today, he left the burner on. I turned it off for him. Maybe I should tell him, because I can't get mad at him for leaving the burner on for the 10,000th time if I don't tell him about it because he'll never learn.

I never learn anything until John tells me his perspective. John tells it like it is, and I love him for that. And today, he made me feel like a s*** hole because to a major degree, I think he's right. I think I'm thinking about not living them out of spite. I blame it on the kitchen, but really it's because I'm mad that Henry (and to a lesser degree John) don't clean up after themselves. I also say there's not enough space for me which is somewhat... somewhat true.

But really, I'm not actively solving the problem. By saying nothing, I become the problem. By doing less and less to help and instead counting when others do not clean up, the problem is just becoming a downward spiral. By doing nothing, I'm making the problem worse.

The solution, then, is to confront Henry. I'm terrible with confrontation. I'd rather talk behind people's backs and hope that the solution fixes itself, but I never talk to him about it because he's a nice person and I Jeopardize me seem unreasonable. If I tell someone something they don't like to hear or assert blame, they become defensive.

I thought I was a good leader. I thought I wasn't hypocritical. I thought I was speaking the truth to others, not creating more problems. I don't know if I'm such a good person anymore, but I think it can be fixed.